Fear

How do you put into words that which you most fervently desire, and yet have firmly decided against?

How is it that a single word can topple governments, bring the strongest of men to their knees, and cause a heart to close itself off from the world around it?

At what point does "This, I can do" become "I cannot"?

How does someone so young contain a heart so old?

What happens when a single word becomes an obstacle for a future that you refuse to look at? To dream about? To plan for?

What happens when that single word becomes bigger then your existence, bigger then everything you thought you believed in or stood for or dreamed about?

I cannot speak for everyone. I do not have that power, that authority. For myself, I do not know. Am I ruled from day to day by a four letter word? Am I held captive by possibilities and moments that might be?

It's been one year. One long, horrible, painful year. I went from one crisis to another, pausing only to realize how much I hurt. And now, I wonder. It's been a year. Does that mean that I should move forward? Am I letting myself be tied down by the pain of the past and the memories that still cause tears? Will there ever truly be a time where I can look back on the past year without pain? Does moving on mean letting go of the pain? Or simply acknowledging it and making peace with it, learning to live with who it has made me?

There seems to be no compromise between living and dying; when you live, you must live completely, and when you die, you cannot live at all.

If this is true then, by all accounts, I am living. It then becomes the quality that is called into question.