Great Expectations

Although a reader might examine the title of this paper and assume that the paper’s subject is that great historical work of fiction by Charles Dickens we were all forced to read in high school English, they are mistaken. This is, in fact an open essay to all men with girlfriends who seek to understand that which they cannot comprehend: the female mind. Here, simplified for you to understand, is why your significant other has been avoiding you, cursing you, burning your picture, or writing derogatory essays about you.
For your information gentlemen, women are not all that hard to understand. In fact, it becomes downright easy to understand your girlfriend once you impress upon your minds one simple idea: women like to feel that they are wanted. It is not a difficult concept, but it seems to be one that many men miss. A woman likes to be told things like “you look nice today” or “It’s really good to see you.” These are positive statements that let a girl know that, at the very least, she is not completely repulsive to you. “Wanna come up to my room later” does not count as a positive statement. Comments like that tend to put women on the offensive, or at the very least make them feel more like a sexual object then a girlfriend. Positive statements are the things we like to hear and we like to hear them often.
As a side note, when your girlfriend tells you that she is not feeling well, your reaction can make the situation better or worse. If, for example, you run to the other side of the room and say “I really can’t afford to be sick right now”, her reaction to you once she actually feels better will probably not be very positive. Quarantine suits, so called “air hugs”, adding locks to your door, and excessive spraying of Lysol are also not recommended ways to respond to your girlfriend’s indisposition. Please know that, if you responded to her sickness that way, when you actually do get sick you should not complain to her that you are feeling poorly. Your girlfriend will probably respond to you the same way that you responded to her when she was sick. She will not have any sympathy for your situation. If, on the other hand, you respond to her illness calmly, rationally, and with even the tiniest bit of sympathy, it will make her feel like she is not, in fact, carrying the plague and that she is still acceptable company. I would also like to take this opportunity to point out, gentlemen, that most women “feel sick” once a month. That being said, if every time she says that she is “not feeling good” you take that opportunity to run screaming across the room into what you think is the non-contaminated zone, that whole dating thing is pretty much going to end.
Another tip when dealing with women – assume nothing. Do not assume that, just because she has allowed you to kiss her in the past, she will continue to allow you to kiss her in the future simply because you show up at her door. Do not assume that it is ok not to return a phone call simply because you’re “really busy”. Do not assume that, since you have a free afternoon, she will immediately drop everything to spend time over at your room “hanging out”. Do not assume that dropping off the planet for several days and then reemerging with “I’m sorry, my bad” is ok. A girl’s definition of dropping off the planet is no contact for twenty-four hours or more. If you do not call her, email her, im her, or write her a little note on the back of your napkin from lunch and let her know that you will be very busy for the next several days, she will not be happy. In fact, you will be very lucky if she speaks to you at all. Girls tend to want to know that the guy they are dating is still alive and still interested in her. For some reason, when she doesn’t hear from you for extended periods of time, she begins to do things like worry about you. Strange, but true. Call her insecure, flighty, or idiotic – the point is, call her. Frankly, she won’t care if you have gone for a week long vacation in the Bahamas or have decided that now is the perfect time to go camping in the backwoods of nowhere with all your guy pals, as long as you let her know that you’re going. Telling her after the fact does not count.
In addition, she will not think very highly of you when you stand her up. In fact, it tends to make women in general angry. Very angry. Especially when it is done several times, by the same guy, within a very limited space of time. Say, two or three times within a week. If you arrange to meet a girl at a specific place and time and then you do not show up for the meeting, it tends to reflect poorly on you. Even if the excuse you come up with sounds something like “I have to finish some school work”, she will not be impressed. Actually, the fact that she rearranged her schedule in order to spend time with you only to come in second place to calculus problems or a sociology paper will make her feel rather used. This is not a feeling that many girls appreciate. However, most women understand if there is an occasional memory lapse due to your overflowing schedule and your academic priorities. Things like day planners and sticky notes tend to help with any memory problems that you may have.
On the other hand, if you are simply not interested in a woman anymore, do not sneak around behind her back. Women tend to notice changes in behavior like running in the opposite direction the moment you see her or avoiding certain places because she might be there. Act like the man you are supposed to be and tell her that you are no longer interested. Do not procrastinate, do not attempt to protect her feelings, do not attempt to patronize her. Her pride and her emotions might be damaged, however they will survive the news and she will move on with her life. However, if you do not tell her that you are not interested anymore, she will continue to attempt to spend time with you and to get in touch with you. This only serves to infuriate her more if she cannot get in touch with you for extended periods of time simply because you are avoiding her. She will find out that you have been avoiding her. In attempting to “not hurt her” you are inevitably setting yourself up for a very unpleasant experience. If you are a man and you have done any of the above things to a woman, I feel very sorry for you. There is a reason that Shakespeare wrote “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” May you emerge from the experience with all your body parts intact. However, if you are really interested in maintaining a relationship with your girlfriend, it is never too late to take action. Simply remember to let her know that you can actually see her and that she is important to you.